~the ONE…got away~

“One day, years from now I will be sitting with my daughter and she will ask me about the one that got away and I am sure you are the man I will tell her about.

The man with expressive eyes and devilish smile…

I will tell her about how you looked at me as if I was the only girl in the room and how you held my hand so protectively when we walked on the main road while it was pouring.

How you watched me eat and not finish food I bought on the streets…

How you hugged me when we slept and pulled my head up from your chest in the middle of the night to kiss me.

I will tell her about our morning conversations and how you made my day.

She will ask where you are and why we didn’t end up together.

I will tell her that the timing wasn’t right and that you had to choose. I will let her know that you didn’t choose me; not because you never loved me, but because you followed your heart and the heart doesn’t always have to go with what it wants…that sometimes it has to go with what it deserves.

I will tell her that you chose the woman in your arms right now because she understands and knows you better than I do.

And I will tell her you made the right choice because I would just have ruined everything not because I didn’t love you but because I was naive and selfish for I loved you too much.

I will tell her that I love his father but in my next life, I will look for you and never let you go again.”

From the blog post http://definitelyfilipino.com/blog/2015/01/21/to-the-one-that-got-away/

My dear Lily,

One day you will experience your first heart break, and I will not sugar coat this for you and tell you it’s something you just shake off. Hell no, getting your heart broken HURTS, a lot, but you cannot ignore it or avoid it. Just accept it as part of life.

BUT, there are many ways to lessen the hurt, AND the best cure is…TIME. Yes, as cliche as this may sound, tick tock, tick tock does cure that hurt. And MAYBE a little bit of retail therapy, chocolate therapy, and group therapy (which involves all the above, but with friends). I will write more about curing this heart ache in a later letter. I want to concentrate on that poem above about the so called ‘the one that got away’.

There have been many a songs about this specific topic on love and even poems dating back centuries. I will be honest and I will write that I used to think I was the one that got away from a couple of my ex-boyfriends. Yes, before your mother met your father she dated a few guys, shock and horror. Your father is not the first man I loved, but he is most certainly the last. Romantic at heart, but will write about how we met in later blog posts. One thing for sure, it was, well, interesting.

Back to the topic. One day you may feel that you are the ONE that got away, but try not to dwell on this, because it is a little naive, selfish and well, darn right narcissistic. If you dwell on this too much, you will miss out on that special someone.

You may one day disagree with me on this, but I don’t believe in that concept the one that got away. Why? Simple, if he got away then he wasn’t the right one for me, he isn’t my ONE…the ONE. The perfect person for you is the person loving and adoring you right now, who loves you and cherishes you. Not some guy you dated a lifetime ago that seemed so perfect then, but didn’t work out because of a few factors. That is just it, it didn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be, so move on. They are not your ONE.

It also isn’t fair for your current partner for you to be still pining over an ex that may have not treated you right and caused you heart ache. My advice for you my beautiful lady is to that you must move on and let go of your past before you can move on with a future.

Completely say goodbye to your ex, get them out of your system, facebook, instagram, email, burning ritual (I will one day explain how soothing this is) COMPLETELY. Not just in tangible ways, but in your heart and your head. Only can you then start dating someone else. Remember this other advice, don’t jump into a new relationship thinking that your new squeeze will help you forget the other squeeze. BIG no no.

Don’t ever expect someone to heal the pain your past caused you so you can move into your future. It isn’t fair for that person and it is isn’t good for your soul either (unless that person helping you is a professional therapist, they may certainly help you OR may make things confusing).

You must heal this pain with your own resources and on your own terms. Then you won’t have that problem of ‘the one who got away’. You will be fine my child, TIME does heal most wounds. And yes, a little chocolate and your dad’s credit card may help too.

Never forget that if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I am always here for you, to just listen to your venting.

Love you always,

Mum x

 

~Happy New Beginnings~

My dear Lily,

Happy New Beginning my dear girl.

As you grow up you will find that New Years is about resolutions (and partying). A New year is always a good time to reflect on the year that was, to look back at what you were proud of and what you were not so proud of, hoping there were more moments of the former. This is also a good time to look at the people in your life. To really look back at the moments when you were down and depressed, and to see who were with you during those difficult times. Look back at the many memorable moments and remember the emotions you felt, the sounds and the smell. This will show what the important, happy and sad moments feel, so you are always familiar with those emotions.

Besides reflecting on what was, this is also a wonderful opportunity to look to the future. Think of what you would like to achieve in the year. Even look at past goals and see which ones are relevant and which ones you can finally cross off that endless list. There are so many goals and dreams we want to desperately become a reality. Some may take time and some may just be around the corner, waiting for you to open the door of opportunity. Don’t despair my little girl, with hard work, having faith in yourself and also asking for help once in a while, your dreams will become a reality. One day you will look back and be proud of all the things you have achieved. You will look back and say to yourself, ‘Wow, I can’t believe I did that’ and or ‘I wish i did that’, I hope it is more of the former.

I hope that you will experience that moment when you realise to yourself that you are right where you are supposed to be. After the past reflections and future gazing, you will one day stand proud, give a sigh of relief and say to yourself, with conviction, ‘I am right where I am supposed to be AND i LOVE it’. This is such an exhilarating feeling and quite a freeing moment. I wish that you will experience this many times in your life. Wendell Berry quote

After that exhilarating moment, your life purpose will become clearer, and you will stop caring about the people who no longer matter, and concentrate on those that do. Concentrate on activities you love to do and concentrate in constantly improving yourself.

Take time to always reflect, not just in the new year, but don’t spend too much time looking in the past either. The future is for your dreams to become a reality, live for this, but don’t everforget to enjoy the present and many moments during the year, because this is where your dreams meet your reality.

With love, your number one fan,

Mum

My dearest daughter,

I’ve been asked to write you a letter to tell you things that I wish for you to know about this life. Before reading on, you must first know that not even my most vivid and heartfelt imagination will conjure up the image that can capture how stellar you will be. This letter can only ever be a wild estimation of what you would need to learn from me, because I already know you will hold the whole world in your eyes.

Baby steps. Although time is experienced as linear, my dear, it is important for you to remember that life’s experience can be very dynamic. Things that you learn from early in life can, and will, stay with you. For this very reason, the first lesson for you to know is that I am your mother. This means many things. Inherently, it means that I am your caregiver, I am your protector and I am your parent. I want for you to learn to be the child, in order for you to learn that you deserve the very best care. Not because of anything you do or don’t do, but simply because you are my daughter and because you are loved.

Becoming you. Sooner than I can ever prepare for, you will want to become your own person. Despite your possible interpretation of my actions and opinions, I want the very same thing for you, too. By this time, our relationship will grow and evolve. You will need to learn to be patient with those around you, because although you will know what is best for you, others will only want even better.

When love finds you. It will strike you. It will take you. It will be the best thing that words will never be able to describe. It will challenge everything you know, and for that you will grow stronger both as the person you are and as the person you can be. It will remind you why life is so beautiful and will highlight to you the things that you can’t live without. You will know when love finds you, not with your words, not with your actions, but with your whole being.

If hurt hurts you. It will hurt. Come find me and I’ll be there with a box of chocolates and a stash of tissues. We will talk until it no longer makes sense, and I will hold you until you remember that the world is safe again. It will hurt. But you will be okay.

Perhaps by the time you read this, you will have your own daughter. And you’ll know that I was only ever one step ahead, but always walking side-by-side with you.

With all my love,

Your mum.

Beauty is most definitely in the eye of the beholder

Dear Lily,

There will be many times you will encounter the saying ‘Beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ and as many times as you hear this phrase, you will at times doubt it in yourself. Don’t.

When you were a baby family always said you were beautiful. When I held you in my arms for the first time, I knew you were beautiful. But as you get older, you won’t hear it as much from people around you. You will most likely hear and the see the words beauty, beautiful, gorgeous from movies, television, social media or whatever is the current media medium in your world today. You will see pictures of what the world thinks the meaning of beautiful is. Maybe skinny models, photoshopped faces and perfect teeth. (Side note: I apologise right now for your teeth; that you certainly got from my side of the family).

You may not look like Jessica Alba or Jennifer Lawrence (modern day beauties), but I didn’t raise you to concentrate your beauty on the outside. I raised you to always believe in yourself, even when no one else does. To be strong in spirit, when everyone around you may not be. To be kind and respectful to people you meet, even if they are not nice to you. Everyone grew up differently to you and their definition of beauty may be different to you, don’t argue with them, just listen and respectfully disagree.

So, what is beauty to me?

To me beautiful person is someone who can hold their head high, who is logical, but is not afraid to be emotional and sensitive. A cry once in a while is cleansing for the soul. You can’t always be strong dear girl. Beauty is not only looking good, but feeling good. When I see a beautiful person in the street, I see a happy person, I see a confident person, I see someone not afraid to be vulnerable. I see someone who is not afraid to be themselves and not really listen to the negatives around them. I see a person who is kind and loving to those who matter to them. I see a beautiful soul first, their smile and their genuine interest in people then I see their face.

When you are a genuine person, this shows on the outside. So concentrate on being beautiful on the inside and look after yourself, the outside will soon follow.

“The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a Woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she knows.” Audrey Hepburn

“The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.” Audrey Hepburn

You too may have your definition as you get older and it may change over time, let’s talk about this over hot chocolate and some chocolate mousse. Just don’t tell your dad about the chocolate mousse I secretly made for you.

X Mummy

‘A Daddy’s Letter to His Little Girl (About Her Future Husband)’

 

Dear Cutie-Pie,

Recently, your mother and I were searching for an answer on Google. Halfway through entering the question, Google returned a list of the most popular searches in the world. Perched at the top of the list was “How to keep him interested.”

It startled me. I scanned several of the countless articles about how to be sexy and sexual, when to bring him a beer versus a sandwich, and the ways to make him feel smart and superior.

And I got angry.

Little One, it is not, has never been, and never will be your job to “keep him interested.”

Little One, your only task is to know deeply in your soul—in that unshakeable place that isn’t rattled by rejection and loss and ego—that you are worthy of interest. (If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)

If you can trust your worth in this way, you will be attractive in the most important sense of the word: you will attract a boy who is both capable of interest and who wants to spend his one life investing all of his interest in you.

Little One, I want to tell you about the boy who doesn’t need to be kept interested, because he knows you are interesting:

I don’t care if he puts his elbows on the dinner table—as long as he puts his eyes on the way your nose scrunches when you smile. And then can’t stop looking.

I don’t care if he can’t play a bit of golf with me—as long as he can play with the children you give him and revel in all the glorious and frustrating ways they are just like you.

I don’t care if he doesn’t follow his wallet—as long as he follows his heart and it always leads him back to you.

I don’t care if he is strong—as long as he gives you the space to exercise the strength that is in your heart.

I couldn’t care less how he votes—as long as he wakes up every morning and daily elects you to a place of honor in your home and a place of reverence in his heart.

I don’t care about the color of his skin—as long as he paints the canvas of your lives with brushstrokes of patience, and sacrifice, and vulnerability, and tenderness.

I don’t care if he was raised in this religion or that religion or no religion—as long as he was raised to value the sacred and to know every moment of life, and every moment of life with you, is deeply sacred.

In the end, Little One, if you stumble across a man like that and he and I have nothing else in common, we will have the most important thing in common:

You.

Because in the end, Little One, the only thing you should have to do to “keep him interested” is to be you.

Your eternally interested guy,

Daddy

———

This post is, of course, dedicated to my daughter, my Cutie-Pie. But I also want to dedicate it beyond her.

I wrote it for my wife, who has courageously held on to her sense of worth and has always held me accountable to being that kind of “boy.”

I wrote it for every grown woman I have met inside and outside of my therapy office—the women who have never known this voice of a Daddy.

And I wrote it for the generation of boys-becoming-men who need to be reminded of what is really important—my little girl finding a loving, lifelong companion is dependent upon at least one of you figuring this out. I’m praying for you.

Original letter can be found here.

‘Letter from a Mother to Daughter’

Taken from Facebook

Taken from Facebook

via Facebook

“My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago”… Just listen, please. Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep. When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl? When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way… remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair and dealing with life’s issues every day… the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If I occasionally lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you. And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked. When those days come, don’t feel sad… just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, I love you… my darling daughter.”

‘If I should have a daughter’ Spoken word by Sarah Kay


Dear Lily,

A few years ago I was privileged enough to see this wonderful artist on stage. I was excited to meet her and stayed until 1 am on a work night just to shake her hand and say hello. I love this poem, because it demonstrates that you don’t need to be a mother to know the strong bond between mother and daughter. You can say this is where my light bulb moment came from for this blog. x Lulu

Happy New Year 2014

Happy 2014!

Hoping it has been so far so good for you all.

An experimental blog that has been an idea for the longest time. Hoping to have many funny and thought provoking letters to daughters soon.

Feel free to be a contributor.

All I ask is to be sincere and write from your heart. Ask yourself, what would you like your daughter to know about life, love, work, family, career, heartbreak, emotion, feminism. Write it in a letter.

‘A letter always seemed to me like immortality because it is the mind alone without corporeal friend’.  Emily Dickinson

‘I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world’.     Mother Theresa