~Guilt…broken heart~

Dear Lily,
One day you will experience getting your heart broken, don’t worry a letter has been written to you about this. Instead, today I write about the feeling of guilt when YOU are the person who breaks a heart.
Some relationships end quite badly and others end amicably, but hearts will still be broken. Today I write for the first time when I myself caused another beautiful soul heart ache.
He was a wonderful human being, who was always attentive to my needs, no matter how far apart we were. He had flowers and chocolates sent to me on a regular basis. There were morning texts and goodnight texts. He told me how beautiful I was regularly, and how happy he was that I was his girlfriend. He was proud of me and showed me off to his family and friends.  He was the perfect gentleman and what others would consider, the perfect boyfriend.
We never fought, he would always agree with me and would always do what I wanted to do. I know what you are asking, why did break up with him.  He seemed like the guy any girl would want.
For weeks before the impending break up I felt annoyed at him, I didn’t include him in my life anymore, I ignored his calls and didn’t message him as often as I used to. This was quite immature and something that won’t last, I knew that. But, I didn’t want to break his heart, because I knew how much he loved and cared for me.
But I finally did it; because he also knew that there was something wrong between us, due to the lack of communication and what had been happening in the last couple of months.
He called just after Christmas, and I knew that I had to finally break the news to him. I wanted to talk to him in person, but distance was an issue and telling him sooner rather than later was a better idea. In that conversation I finally told him that I was not happy in the relationship anymore; and was frank that I was not in love with him anymore, and I told him that the relationship was not moving forward. We both knew that we were not moving for the other. If we did love each other passionately, one would have moved by now, but neither did.
It was heartbreaking hearing his voice break and to finally hang up on the man I loved deeply, and still do. To hear his pleas and to read his messages after, made me feel guilty. Immense guilt.
But I knew deep in my gut that I wasn’t happy and that ending the relationship was the best thing for me, and also for him. Why was it good for him? Well he no longer had to chase his girlfriend anymore, he didn’t have to be ignored anymore, he didn’t feel annoyed anymore and he didn’t feel lost anymore. I knew I had to let him go so another person can make him happy, that person was clearly not me.
Lily, I felt guilt, immense guilt breaking this man’s heart. But in the end, I had to do what felt right for me. I had to listen to my heart and my gut, both telling me that ending the relationship was a positive thing for me. It may take time to completely realise this, but I know in time all will make sense. Bittersweet is the one word that comes to mind.
Lily, if you are not happy in the relationship, find out why, spend some time by yourself and listen to your heart and soul. Also, talk to your closest confidants and get their ideas. But, in the end it is your choice alone, no one can make it for you, and no one should.
If you are not happy in a relationship and if ending it is the right thing for you; it is natural to feel guilt and all sorts of emotions, listen to it and remember that time does heal wounds. Just don’t stay in that guilt or sad moment forever, it will pass and I promise that you will be happy again.
I just want you to be happy; and one day passionate love that grows and doesn’t diminish will find you. This type of love is worth the broken hearts that got you there; whether it was your doing or not.
Loving you always,
Mum x

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